>>1569027
OH HOHOHO

Seriously, you win good sir.

I lol'd far too hard at the third one

DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

>>1569027
op, if i asked you for sex and 10 babies would you be offended?

i love you, OP

Very good, OP. Very good.

>>1569027

>one of them snaps and shoots an arrow at them

"Looks like that boy was trying to make a point."
"Shame it went right over our heads!"

"What would you call that?"
"Well, I wouldn't call it an attack!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I hate spells with a long casting time."
"Why's that?"
"It makes this fight take longer."
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I wish I didn't succeed my Spot check."
"Why?"
"Now I actually have to see the fight."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Introduce them as the Governor, Constable, and Mayor, not to mention head of the Guards of Unterstadt.

Get your PC's arrested, taunt them as much as you want.

"You old fool! You slept through the fight!"
"Who's the fool? You watched it!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO"

"There's nothing like good combat."
"And that was nothing like good combat."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
"I don't think a beholder could see anything beautiful there either."
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"These bracers of spell resistance are worthless."
"Why?"
"This fight isn't magical."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I wonder if that bard can sing tenor."
"Tenor?"
"Yeah, ten or eleven miles away."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

So saving these to use against my players.

"Ouch! Another one bites the dust!"
"He isnt the only thing here that bites!"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"That Paladin should lose his deity's protection."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because it can't be legal to make someone watch a fight like that."
DOOOHOHOHOHO!

"Looks like that Wizard cast Sleep down there."
"I wish he'd cast it up here too!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"The priest just made those skeletons flee!"
"Not so mindless after all!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

If a player has a gnome character:

"Is that a gnome or an illusion?"
"That'd be an illusion."
"How do you know?"
"Nobody plays gnomes."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569181
>If a player has a gnome character:

"I sure wish 4th Edition would get here."
"Why is that?"
"We wouldn't have to put up with that gnome!"

*groan*
"What's wrong with you?"
"It's either indigestion or this fight. I hope it's indigestion."
"Why?"
"Indigestion will get better!"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"You know what would be great if we were mages?"
"Yeah. We could summon better combatants."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569113
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
"Thank God I'm blind."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Hey, that neckbeard down there must be a barbarian."
"Nothing but mindless rage!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Finally, we've seen a good match"
"Does that mean we can go home now?"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"Hey look, it's a half-elf."
"What's the other half?"
"Not good at fighting, that's for sure."
"Dohohohohohohoho!"

"That's a load of bull down there"
"No, those are just druids."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I liked that last fight"
"What did you like about it?"
"It was the last fight!"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"Fighting was his one natural role."
"Too bad he rolled a natural one!"

DOHOHOHOHO

>>1569238
Shit, why is this so funny?

It's time to cast protections
And draw on Holy Might!
It's time to roll Init
for another arena fight!

"Did somebody step on a duck?"
"The wizard's familiar just died."
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"You know the funny thing about monks?"
"What?"
"They can beat off people with both hands."
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I dont envy that Mind Flayer"
"Why?"
"He isn't going to have a lot to flay down there!"
DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

"Have you ever thought there might be life after death?"
"Every time I leave this arena!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569256
"You know what makes them so talented too?"
"Yes. They can beat off people with their feet too"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Archived.

>>1569258
"Oh no, that mind flayer is attacking!"
"No wait, he's going back. Guess it couldn't find anything it wanted."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Look at that Fighter go!"
"Yeah, I've never seen one run away so fast."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

JIM HENSON IS DEAD.

"So they blew up half the arena"
"At least they blew up the right half."
"Theirs!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Look at him run!"
"Yeah, you'd think this was the 40k RPG."
"Why's that?"
"He's a real bolter!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO"

"I think we're inside an atropal."
"Why do you say that?"
"This fight is an abomination and it'll be the death of me"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Looks like hes really suffering down there."
"Not as much as we're suffering up here!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569274

"He's a real credit to his race."
"What race is that?"
"The 100-meter dash!"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"Think we should call it a night?"
"Might as well. I certainly wouldn't call it a fight!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"That fighter down there has some flaws."
"I thought you could only have two."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

This thread made me lol so hard.

Bravo, OP.

"Every week this arena looks better to me."
"Every week your eyesight gets worse."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"It'd be nice if that Tarrasque showed up."
"Yeah, so it can put us out of our misery."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"So, is that Paladin lawful good?"
"I don't know about lawful, be he sure isn't good."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Just when I thought that fight was terrible something wonderful happened."
"What?"
"It ended."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"This battle is pointless."
"Yeah; whoever wins, we lose."
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"There's something wrong with the acoustics up here."
"What, can't you hear what's going on down there?"
"Every sound!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Ohh! Oh lord, that Fighter's taking a beating this fight."
"I can't feel sorry for him."
"Why's that?"
"We take a beating EVERY fight!"
DOHOHOHOHOHO

"The mage just cast magic missile."
"What's so magical about it?"
"It might just hit something."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I just had this wonderful dream, Waldorf."
"What was it about?"
"The fight had ended."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Who do you think is the worst combatant?"
"Am I only allowed to choose one?"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Amazing! Everyone down there rolled a natural one!"
"All on Perform checks!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Someone should call the city watch."
"Why?"
"Subjecting innocent people to fights this bad has to be illegal!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Our lowest stat would probably be Wisdom."
"After all, we're still here!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569077
>>1569113
>>1569181
>>1569240
>>1569244
These are made of fail.

The rest of this thread is epic win!!!!!

"That druid's quarterstaff is glowing."
"Don't worry. It'll go limp in a few seconds."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I wish this encounter was taking place in Undermountain."
"Yeah, then we couldn't see it!!"
DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

>>1569284
Oh lawd, I lol'd

"I know what was wrong with that last fight."
"What?"
"It's the arena. The seats face the pit!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"That looks like Weeaboo Fightan Magic to me"
"The Desert Wind style, isn't it?"
"No, he's just flaming."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I tried taking medicine before this fight."
"And?"
"Didn't do squat."
"DOHOHOHO-Waldorf? Where'd you go?"

>>1569453

"I knew I should've brought a R.A. Salvatore book with me here."
"Why's that?"
"So I could find a quick way to fall asleep."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"When I see that elf, I'm glad I left my wife."
"You left your wife?"
"Yeah, I left her at home"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Now they're really getting desperate down there."
"Desperation is a good sign. Maybe they'll panic and run away."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I love that fighter."
"That little bundle of talent is the only thing that'll keep this fight going."
"Shall we kill her now before she ruins everything?"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"You're doing it wrong!"
"Yeah, we're supposed to sit up hear and throw things at YOU!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I wish I was a high-level wizard. I could Wish for this fight to end"
"That spell can only do so much!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569453

I cackled.

"I think I missed what just happened"
"You want me to tell you?"
"Please God don't"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"You know what feat would be real good about now?"
"What?"
"Quicken Fight."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I wish they were all rogues."
"Why's that?"
"So they could all hide in plain site."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569453

"Oh shoot, I knew I forgot something!"
"What did you forget?"
"My potion of Blindness"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"We couldn't enjoy this fight without that great fighter."
"Well, looks like even he has some limits, we still can't enjoy this fight!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"That was different."
"I should say so, so many of these fights are long and boring."
"Yes, they've finally managed one short and boring."
"Does that mean they're getting better or worse?"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"You know, that was a sweet fight."
"Yes it was."
You know something else, I hate sweet fights!"
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"I bet that fighter down there is a two-copper whore."
"Why do you say that?"
"Sucks badly both in and out of the arena"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

After someone fumbles a ranged attack:

"Whoa! Bit of a misfire there!"
"Wouldn't be the first time I bet."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I just bet on the winner of this fight."
"What, the barbarian down there?"
"No, the first one to leave the arena."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"So what did you think of that fight?"
"I liked it"
"You liked it?!" *bangs his head*
"No, I just wanted to see what you'd do if I said I did."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"That fighting style goes back a long ways."
"It didn't go back far enough. I could still see it!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"You know what trick I'd like that wizard to do?"
"What's that?"
"Make us disappear!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I didn't know (Class/Race) could do that."
"Be that talented?"
"No, be that bad."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Now that he's gone will we ever forget him?"
"Who?"
"Well, uh.. what's his name."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Wake me when the fight starts."
"It's already been on for a while."
"Oh. Wake me when it's over."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"This fight was stupid!"
"Boring!"
"Pointless!"
"We loved it!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I should just drop dead."
"What for?"
"To show them how it's done."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

I DOHO'd.

"If a bard wrote about this fight, do you think it'd be an epic?"
"No, it'd be a tragedy."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569586
I lol'd hard

Archive this.

"Quick, get me a legal child prostitute!"
"I didn't think you were into them that young"
"I'm not, I just want the paladin to fall!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569598
Fail.

>>1569598
"That heckling was almost as bad as this fight."
"Almost?"
"Yeah. Nothing's as bad as this fight."
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"These fights should be archived."
"Whatever for?"
"Some people like sad stories."
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

Every GM who is going to steal this idea, say Aye.

>>1569647
Fuck yeah aye

>>1569637
That one got me good.

>>1569647

Aye...

"I'm getting to the end of my rope here."
"Don't worry. You're almost done with that noose."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569637
speaking of archiving...this thread needs a few more votes

>>1569676
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/1569027/

>>1569647

Aye, if my players ever head to a coliseum. Also trying to convince a local XCrawl DM to use it.

>>1569647
If I'm ever using a coliseum, aye.

Best thread I've seen on any board for ages.

"They should call this arena 'The Rack'."
"Why's that?"
"These fights are torture."
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"That ranger down there is fighting with two weapons."
"That's odd. She should learn how to fight with one first."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569647

Aye

>>1569734
brilliant.

"Where's Death when you need him?"
"He's waiting for someone down there to land a hit."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569647
Aye, I in my eye

"I'd kill for this fight to end."
"At least you'd be killing!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"They fight like children down there."
"You give them far too much credit."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"I think someone down in the front just died."
"From a stray arrow?"
"No, from boredom."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"They all fight like dairy farmers!"
"That's because you're looking out the window!"
"It's better than looking in the arena!"
"DOHOHOHO!"

>>1569647
Aye...

>>1569683
Missing quite a bit of the thread there... any way to update it?

>>1569647
I'm a player, and I'm going to find a way to steal it. Two headed familiar, most likely.

>>1569848
I'm thinking of a sentient double weapon myself

"Looks like that sorcerer has a Deck of Many Things."
"Too bad talent isn't one of them."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

I love how these jokes are funnier than the original Statler and Waldorf.

"These people remind me of my own adventuring days"
"You were this bad?"
"Nope."
"DOHOHOHO!"

And I'm spent.

All mine:
>>1569861
>>1569805
>>1569798
>>1569783
>>1569769
>>1569734
>>1569721
>>1569673
>>1569637
>>1569625
>>1569586
>>1569575
>>1569548
>>1569541
>>1569526
>>1569510
>>1569497
>>1569479
>>1569470
>>1569446
>>1569384
>>1569367
>>1569358
>>1569333
>>1569323
>>1569309
>>1569298
>>1569284
>>1569250
>>1569206
>>1569166
>>1569151
>>1569128
>>1569099
>>1569091

Some sucked, granted, but I had fun with it.

>>1569888
Stop trying to take credit.

>>1569915
Actually, I'm serious. Those posts are all mine.

>>1569888
>>1569915
>>1569924
Who fucking cares? It was funny all the same.

"I wish one of them would fire an arrow over here"
"Why?"
"I need something to gouge my eyes out with"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO"

I love each and every one of you.

>>1569647

Aye twice.

Once as a GM, and once as a player.

>>1569854

Stealing this idea for my campaign that isn't going to go to a coliseum!

>>1570085
"Would it kill our wielder to hit the ogre?"
"No, but it'd kill the ogre."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Weak, I know. I want to try the idea out myself too though.

"He just dodged the bullette!"
"No he didn't."
"Oh?"
"He just jumped the shark!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO"

"He's sneaking around pretty well."
"Oops, not anymore!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

I could so see this happening.

"I wish that Cleric worshipped Erythnul"
"Why's that?"
"Because he'd actually kill someone"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Drizzt, the chaotic good drow, huh?"
"Would you like your scimitars now or would you like to find them?"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I told this guy about the Head of Vecna?"
"No, what happened?"
"We buried him the next day."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1570239
God damn it Anon, now I have soda on my screen and keyboard

>>1569888
Someone doesn't understand the point of anon.

"Does that Cleric worship Wee Jas or Nerull?"
"Definitely Nerull"
"How can you tell?"
"No one ever Worships Wee Jas!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1570259
You just made a god cry.

"Women make natural barbarians."
"How so?"
"They naturally go into a rage once a month."
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1570259

Hey, my evil necromancer PRETENDS to worship her! That counts for something, right?

>>1570296
That's like cheating on your wife. Prepare for a lawsuit.

"Man that Barbarian must have Horrible Strength"
"Why's that?"
"He can't even hit that Wizard!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1570085
GOD DAMN PLD/WHM DESTROYS EVERYTHING I CREATE

>>1570308
What would a divine lawsuit be like?

>>1570308

Ok, its that or parade around saying you worship an evil god of death in front of the town guard. I think pissing of a deity nobody loves is better than being drawn and quartered. Besides, Nerull knows I actually worship him, so he doesnt care.

anyway, back on topic:
"Look, theres a vendor in the crowd selling smelling salts!"
"To wake up the people who faint?"
"To wake up the people who fall asleep!"
DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

>>1570259
You know I bet Wee Jas has the most Ur-Priests, because even though they're stealing magic it's still attention

>>1569647
aye x2.

>>1569854
That sounds fucking awesome. an intelligent two-bladed sword that makes these comments would be worth it.

>>1570409
I'm still laughing at >>1570118 myself.

>>1570409
Make one enchanted with 1d4(or whatever, make it level appropriate) bonus fire damage, and the other with lightning.

>>1570423
OOPS FORGOT MY PIC

>>1569854
Statler and Waldorf: CE two-bladed sword

>>1570429
i would think CN, they dont care what happens, they are just gunna make fun of it

"This truly is a fight for the ages."
"Yep, the ages between six and nine."
DOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

>>1570555
But they hold a deep satirical hatred of all people

Also bear in mind they don't even really like each other that much, and apparently when their not making fun of stupidity, they argue all the time. Hell the only reason they hang out is that one of them is married to the others sister.

They're the type of Chaotic Evil people that wouldn't destroy a party from the inside.

>>1570669
hate =/= evil
im sure they are actually partally evil, but if you remember muppet treasure island, they save kermit and miss piggy when they fall off the cliffs, so they cant be all bad, just jerks

>>1570698
> hate =/= evil

Hextor would like a word with you.

bump for awesome

Rule 34 on Statler and Waldorf.

>>1570899
Oh dear god...

"Hey Waldorf, fucking you in the butt isn't so bad."
"Yeah? Well too bad I can't say the same about the show!"
"DOOOOHOHOHOHO"

>>1570941
...

I just died a little inside.

>>1570941
"I didn't know you suffered from premature ejaculation!"
"Premature for you, maybe!"
"DOOOOHOHOHOHOHO"

I feel dirty.

...

>>1570899
I suck at shoops.

"They say that guy is a vengeful warrior who relentlessly cuts down anyone who dishonours him!"
"I wonder what the air did to make him so mad?"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

""That guy's famous for his fluid fighting style!"
"What's so fluid about it?"
"The contents of his britches, from the looks of it."
"DOHOHOHOHO!"

"Hey, look at these idiots trying to sound like us."
"What a bunch of fat, pathetic virgins.
"Yeah, they'll never feel the touch of a woman in their entire lvies."
"DOHOHOHOHOH"

>>1571288
That was bad and you should feel bad.

>>1571239
>>1571262

Conversely, these are good and make me feel good.

i must print these out.. i intend to make a bard with this

These are awesome.

"What do you get when you breed an ogre and a troll together"
"What"
"I don't know, but it would be much easier to look at than this fight"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

>>1569027

Fucking saved